keca_736uv

...theRe aRe truLLy infinite nUmbeR Of seQuenCes in life...life is aLmOst always made maNifeSt by the mOmEnts in life that gLimMeR aS the sMaLL bEads Of saNd in the hOuRgLaSs that cONstituteS OuR LiFe...aNd fOr the mOst paRt Of my LiFe theSe geMs oF sand haVe beEn nOthinG but vaGue cRystaLs Of uNspOken aNguiSh aNd meLanChoLic diStreSs...a visCeraL eXpanSe oF evEnts that have uLtimateLy a nOn-eXisteNt puRpOse aNd abSoLute laCk Of eSsenCe...

...theRe aRe maNy thinGs written abOut life and livinG that i find tO be iNexpLiCably true aNd aCcuRate yet to nO avaiL make a gRand paSsOveR tO my beinG...aLL i have fOuNd in mE is an aLL cOnsuMing vOid wheRe nO wOrds..,thOuGhts oR evEn evEnts can fLow by withOut bEinG cOnsuMed by my pEssiMiSm..,eMotioNality..,seLf-pity..,aNd gLuttONy...aNd thiS fOr OnE i find to be uLtimateLy tRue..,i have beEn nOthing but a deep aNd daRk beinG eatinG up eVeRythinG that had cOme paSs me by...

...yet sOmewheRe deep intO the paGes Of my wiCked life's sO caLLed hiStoRy aRe thOse mOmEnts..,thOse GOD-givEn mOmeNts that mOre than sLaps me in the faCe with the tRuth that i aM beStOwed upOn...diffeReNt aNd nuMerOus evEnts that wOuLd leaVe aNy maN tO a stand-stiLL...fiLLed with reaLizatiOn...with thOuGhts...with reSoLutiOns...aNd stiLL i fOuNd myseLf surOUnded with stiLLneSs...aNxiety...aNd in mOst caSes aS i fiGht it Out but cOmeS Out aNyway...feaR...feaR...feaR...

...a feaR like aNy OtheR feLt by aNyOne...yet that saMe feaR that reSouNds in the miNds aNd heaRts Of the veRy peOpLe that surrOund me haS a teRse aNd pRofoUnd effeCt that gRipS me like that haNds Of TitaN cRushinG an OlyMpiaN in hiS haNds..,it waS nOthinG in paRticuLar but a cOntiguOus cOnteSt Of feaR aNd wiLL aNd aS it haS beEn sEen a cOnteSt dOminated by feaR..,but littLe did i knOw that aLL that is abOut tO chanGe..,aNd thiS tiMe it iS but a dOt..,a gLimmeR Of hOpe that i aM wiLLinG to taKe..,

...what iS it with maN aNd feaR..,beCauSe the aNsweR tO that cOuLd liteRaLLy save my life..,a life fiLLed aNd heLd by OtheR peOpLe mOre thaN my Own..,fOr sO loNg haVe i beEn eNsLavEd by OtheR pEopLe..,their PrejudiCes..,theiR imPreSsiOns..,aNd theiR sEntimEnts...maN haS been..,iS..,aNd wiLL aLwayS be a sOciaL beinG..,but nEveRtheLeSs left Out aS a singLe beinG in a woRLd with gaziLLioNs Of cOunteRparts..,aNd eaCh aNd eveRyday i aM brOught fOrth tO that jungLe...jungLe of sCrutinizinG eyEs..,judGing eyebrOws..,aNd deMeaNing eNcOUnteRs...

...fOR it is aN incOnvenieNt truth that the sOciaL huMand truth iS nOthing but a cOnsuMation Of diffeRent seNtimeNts aNd sUbjeCtivitieS Of diffeRent peOpLe who hOLd the reGard aNd reSpeCt Of the maSs..,nO matteR hOw aNd nO matteR what.., yOu wiLL aLwayS be what peOpLe sEe yOu aS..,beCauSe youR iS exiStenCe iS fathOmed in theiR eyeS..,whO yOu aRe may be aNd mOst Of the tiMeS wiLL be diffeReNt thaN the way peOpLe sEe yOu..,aNd i caN atteSt tO that...aNd that iS a pRinCipLe i caRry evEryday...

...unknOwinGly..,tRuE aS the prinCipLe sEeMs tO be..,theRe aRe theSe diffeRent aNd raRe diaMoNd mOmeNts that rEmind yOu Of GOD's tRuth..,aNd nOt Of HuMaN tRuth..,the kind Of mOmEnts wheRe yOU lOsE yOurSeLf to whO yOu aRe aNd deLve intO whO you aRe mOre than whO yOu aPpEaR tO be..,the mOmEnts that whO yOu sEeM tO be dOesNt matteR..,but whO yOu aRe..,aNd it is in theSe eVeNts that i aM rEminded Of the beauty Of mOmEnts..,the cOmpLexity Of pEopLe..,the truth Of life..,aNd the LOVE of GOD..,

...fOr it iS in theSe diffeRent tRaNsmutatiOns that i haVe undeRgOne with cRedit tO theSe eVeNts that haVe paSsed me by..,that i haVe made myseLf aN individuaL i nEveR eVen thouGht i cOuLd be..,it iS in thiS rOad i haVe fOuNd aNsweRs..,fOuNd expLanatiOns..,aNd fOuNd that OnE thinG that haS beEn miSsinG aLmOst my eNtirE life..,aNd i aMsuRe tO taKe hOld oF thiS..,nOw that i aM givEn thiS gift Of reaLizatiOn..,aNd disCoveRy...

...aMidst the diffeRent sNaPshOts Of what haS beEn my life..,i haVe beEn fiLLed with aN eMptinEsS i caN dO nOthing with..,but i caNt dO withOut..,it iS a vOid that haS beEn a paRt Of mE..,ineXpLiCabLe but fathoMabLe...aNd i truLLy adMit that my life haS beEn a cOmpLete wReCk aNd an iNsaNe meSs that had beEn tOuChed by that vOid..,theRe aRe the eveNts that i have lived aNd lOst to a OnE thinG that waS suPpOsed tO be with me in thOse gOldeN mOmEnts...

...aNd nOw that i haVe beEn kiSsed with that lOveLy truTh..,i caN truLy say aNd identify what haS beEn miSsinG...i waSnt miSsinG LOVE..,GOD mOre than aNyOnE haS fLoOded me with lOve like wateR caScadinG dOwn wateRfaLLs..,i waSnt miSsinG GUIDANCE..,my faMiLy haS beEn mOre thaN a guidinG piLaR..,i waSnt miSsinG ACCEPTANCE and FRIENDSHIP..,mOre thaN aNythinG i knOw thiS fOr a faCt rOund OveR..,wheN i LoOk at my friEnds..,i knOw nEveR waS theRe aNythinG miSsinG frOm theM..,Or by theM...what i haVe beEn miSsinG iS sOmethinG i haVe grOwn cOMplaCenT aNd iGnoRaNt Of..,

...iVe beEn miSsinG myseLf..,in eVeRythinG that haS paSsed me by nOthing eLse haS beEn bLaNk aNd laPsed exCept myseLf..,i haVe beEn seLfish aNd fiLLed with pRide that i fOrGot that the Life i LiVe iS nOt ruN by the pEopLe aRoUnd mE..,but it iS ruN aNd livEd by mE..,my LiFe haS beEn a gift..,but i haVe nOt reGarded that gift with vEneRatiOn aNd gratitude thrOuGh my cOnsentiOuS attentiOn tO the uLtimate faCt that i mUst giVe mySeLf tO the liFe i Live..,aNd that iS what i haVe beEn miSsinG..,

...i haVe gOtteN sO loSt i caN say a miLLiOn timEs..,aNd mOst Of theSe timEs i haVe beEn LoSt tO myseLf..,drOwNed in mY iGnoRanCe..,stubOrn Of the thinGs that paSs mE by..,cOmpLaCent tO the vaLueS that aRe instiLLed tO me..,aNd unmindfuL Of the pEopLe i haVe cOme tO lOvE aNd caRe fOr..,whiCh is fOr me tO say fiLLed with abSenCe Of myseLf..,i haVe beEn in aN sEeminGly eNdleSs headaChe of obLiviOn that in the eNd had itS cOncLusiOn..,aNd that cOncLusiOn iS tOday..,

...the day whEn i haVe fOuNd what i haVe beEn miSsinG..,aNd puttinG it in its riGhtfuL pLaCe..,i haVe yet tO eXteNd my aPoLoGieS aNd thaNks tO the pEopLe that haVe stOod aNd waLked beSide me..,the pEopLe that havE beEn theRe deSpite my inaNimity..,the peOpLe that haVe aCcEpted me..,caRed fOr mE..,aNd LoVed my iNspite Of mE..,deSpite mE..,aNd fOr mE..,i may nOt say it riGht..,Or shOw it eVeN wOrSe..,but deEp in my hEaRt it iS trUe..,that fOr aLL theSe thinGs i aM teRRibLy sOrRy..,deEpLy thaNkfuL..,aNd whOleheaRtedLy LOVE YOU!!!...

..,i caN but OnLy sMiLe geNuiNeLy at thiS cOmfOrtinG disCovEry..,knOwinG that the tRue liFe aNd livinG beGins nOw..,wheN i haVe fOuNd what i haVe beEn miSsinG...